I had a health kick at the beginning of the summer. I dropped a dress size and felt fab about it. However, as I usually am with these things, I couldn't keep it up and felt myself slipping back into my old ways. I didn't attend the end of my cycle of fitness classes and I stopped the daily workouts. I burned myself out and had lost myself in this strict regime of workouts and dieting. It was all I thought about and I was obsessed with the idea that I could drop a few more pounds, drop another dress size, finally feel attractive to potential partners out there in the world of dating. I wasn't doing it for me, I was doing it because I didn't feel worthy as myself and I felt I had to change in order for people to respect me. Not just romantic partners, but family, friends and anyone who passed by me.

Once I let part of the health kick slip, it all slowly unravelled and I returned back to my old ways, albeit with a new love for blueberries (I cannot get enough). Thanks to my lovely body, the weight came back very quickly and I returned to the body shape I have been for years. However, I wasn't upset this time. I haven't been looking at myself in the mirror ashamed as I usually do. I just feel very neutral about the whole thing. If anything, gaining the weight back hasn't really affected how I perceive my body image, which is something so baffling to me, as someone who has struggled with their body image for years.
What has changed? I've been asking myself this for the last few weeks. Maybe it's the fact that I have started to transition into my autumnal wardrobe and wear all my favourite clothes again. Maybe it's the fact that I have surrounded myself with people who do nothing but lift me up and make me feel secure and happy. Maybe it's the fact that I have more important things to worry about now, as opposed to having time to fixate on my shape and size. Maybe it's that caring so much about something I find very difficult to change is exhausting and I want to focus my attention on things that matter more to me.

In the last few months, I have found out that I have PCOS. It has shown me why I have such a struggle losing weight and this has lessened my guilt about my own body. It's not just my fault. Why should I fight against my body time and time again when the second I stop, everything returns back to the way it was and I ultimately end up sad and upset about my own body. I am not seriously overweight. I don't own a car so I walk absolutely everywhere (I walk so much). I eat fairly well and I have a job which keeps me walking and on my feet. Yes, I could be healthier and I could kick some habits which are really not that great. However, my body is not my enemy and I would much rather feel at home in my own skin than fight against it.


There will always be days that I wish my body wouldn't look like this. There will be days when I would rather tear my body down than feel at home within it. However, I am working towards feeling better in my own skin and I feel this is more important than constantly critiquing it.

September is PCOS awareness month. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome is a common condition which affects ovarian functioning. The main features are irregular periods, excess androgen and polycystic ovaries. Symptoms include irregular periods, lack of periods, fertility issues, excessive hair growth, thinning hair of the head, weight gain and oily skin/acne. If you feel that you are experiencing these symptoms, you can read more about them HERE. I have asked two different doctors about my symptoms and only one of them actually moved along to the process of diagnosis, so ask questions and make sure your symptoms are taken seriously. Diagnosis of PCOS is often quick and simple and involves an ultrasound in order to take a look at your ovaries. If you have any questions about PCOS at all, feel free to get in contact! 

Planning my summer break is always a fun one for me. I love making plans to better myself and my career prospects while my studies have died down and I have a lot of free time. For the past few years, I have taken on shifts at my various part-time jobs and got together some savings for the following academic year. However, this year I decided to mix it up a bit! I have a list of parts of my life that I want to work on and I have already made plans for all of them.

It's back! My weekly diary posts are starting up again after some time off! I feel like since I stopped writing these I've felt less aware of what I've accomplished each week and less motivated to do anything! Time for some changes around here! Ready to join me?

Monday

• It's a bank holiday, which means having to pick up an extra shift at my retail job. I was given the afternoon shift, which meant having some time before work to do some assignment writing! 
• I did a lot of my uni work from bed before hopping in the shower and getting ready for work. 
• It's such a hot day today so I managed to find a skirt which was appropriate for work and I picked up an iced coffee on my way in. Gotta get that caffeine! 
• Nothing much to report from work, it was too warm and pretty busy. When it came to closing time, I was super tired and sat out in Picadilly Gardens for a while before heading home on the bus. 
• Not the most interesting day to kickstart my PYT posts again but that's just the way these things go!

Tuesday

• I got up at a fairly reasonable time today and went to uni to get some assignment writing done. This is after I took some product blog pics in my pyjamas for the post since the lighting was coming through my window beautifully and I use my bed for the backdrop of a lot of my pics since I don't have a lot of space in my student room. 
• Before I started my assignment in uni, I finalised a blog post and spent some time promoting it and scheduling some tweets before getting on with the work! 
• I left uni a bit earlier than planned and had to skip an event I was really excited for because I started to feel unwell and just wanted to get home and have a lie-down. 
• I spent the evening preparing for the internship interview which I have tomorrow. I am so hopeful for this interview since it's the summer internship which I have felt most drawn to out of all the internships I have looked at. Since I want to go into marketing after my degree, it is the perfect opportunity and I want it so badly. It's also paid which means that if I get it then I can definitely afford all my rent over the summer and also get some savings together! Fingers crossed!

Wednesday

• I got up, showered and got dressed up for my internship interview. It was so nerve-racking and I had trouble finding the building where the interview was held. Typical me! When I got to the interview, I realised that I had met one of the two interviewers before and she immediately recognised. I felt like I really clicked with both the interviewers and we got along well. They were both so friendly and it really put me at ease! I felt like we were on the same page about everything we discussed and I even showed them some of my previous relevant work. I may have blundered a few times in the interview but I think it went better than I had expected! 

• I immediately met with some friends in uni, ate a wonderful toastie and got some more of my work done! We all decided to hop on the bus and head into town for a bit of chill time. 
• I picked up some lovely goodies from Primark, Monki, Home Sense and Lush before we headed home. 
• I lit a lavender and sage candle which I had bought from Home Sense and it really filled my room with a calming aroma. I managed to get a lot of my work done this evening. Enough to lead me to believe that I will finish my two last assignments of the year by tomorrow evening! 
• I read a bit of How To Stop Time by Matt Haig in bed and now I'm ready to turn the lights out and get a good night's sleep!

Thursday

• Another day of going to uni early to get work done! 
• While I was writing my assignment, I received a phone call to tell me that I have got the internship which I interviewed for yesterday!! I'm so excited! It means that I can afford my rent this summer and that I can get some great experience in marketing! 
• I managed to get loads of work done in uni and also attended a seminar where my group work project was displayed! All in all, a productive time in uni! 
• I then headed home with a friend to catch up on Riverdale, which was so good! We were yelling at the screen! 
• I finished both of my last assignments of the year and got into bed at a decent time!

Friday

• I submitted my final two assignments after a quick proofread!! 
• It's payday which means a trip to Wetherspoons with the workmates. We got there fairly early for food and had a couple of drinks into the evening. I have not laughed this much in so long! We had such a good time!
• While I was in town to meet my friends, I managed to pick up a few essentials from Lush to restock my shelf.
• That's about it really, I was super tired after this week so I headed home early and I am so ready to sleep!  

Saturday

• Not the most exciting day! 
• I cleaned the kitchen and bathrooms before getting ready and going to work for the afternoon/evening shift. 
• I got home at a reasonable time and I just finished watching a documentary so it's time for bed!

Sunday

• Today was a bit more interesting than yesterday! I worked the early shift so I had the afternoon free after work! 

• A couple of friends and I went to Pizza Hut after work and then to the shops! I stocked up on Pixi Glow Tonic and bought a lovely new bra! 
• Once I got home, I spent the evening catching up on YouTube videos and reading. It's been lovely!

What a busy week! How was your week? x

I miss my weekly diary posts! It felt good to write everything down and put it out there. Like throwing my personal life out there and getting it off my chest and out of my mind! I may start up the Pull Yourself Together posts again soon but for now, I just want to talk about everything significant that's going on at the moment. Full disclosure. Holding nothing back!

Right now in this moment

My chest feels a bit heavy. I'm trying to pick myself up from a down day. I am a fully hormonal and emotional wreck at the moment and I've nearly cried more times than I can count today! I have been suppressing a lot of negative feelings for a while now and I feel like they are spilling over. My counsellor isn't free for a session until the end of the month and I am sick and tired of going to the GP so often lately, even though my GP is lovely and a total angel! I don't know if I want to speak about everything with friends either. We all have so much going on and I don't want to add to their heaps of troubles! The thing is, in the past few months I have become a sharer. I used to bottle everything up but in the past few months, I have done the opposite. I have almost become reliant on sharing everything with others and now that I don't feel like I should do that, it's becoming really hard to keep stable.


University

My grades dropped this semester. No matter how hard I have tried to write excellent assignments, it just hasn't been quite good enough. It's almost making me give up. When I got low, I didn't go to my lectures either, which has caused me to fall completely behind with university when exams are looming overhead. I'm not sure if I can pull everything together in time. I'm trying to go back to the way I was in first year, when I was getting great marks in my assignments and studying with intense motivation, but I am just so tired. It's stressing me out so much that I am smoking again. Not great!

Health

Aside from my mental health, my physical health has also been up and down. I started having fortnightly periods. One week on, one week off, one week on, etc. Yeah, that's not ideal. They were also escalating in severity to the point where they are now as bad as they were in high school, before my prescription period medication and being on the pill. After a few weeks of tests to see what has been up with me lately, I finally got diagnosed with PCOS. I have known that I have this for a few years but in my hometown, my GP never took me seriously when I asked about it. However, my GP here has been so helpful and when I mentioned it and talked through my symptoms, he booked me straight in for an ultrasound. Goodness, PCOS gives me so many answers for things I have been experiencing for years. So many things which have been dismissed when I have tried to talk about them! I have also been super ill for the past week with a sinus infection. Not the greatest of times!

Good things

I realise now that a lot of what I have just written is all doom and gloom. There have been some good things! However, as you may know, memories are emotional things and we tend to remember events better if they evoke very strong emotions. That's why we remember all the bad stuff easier. It's just the way we're wired. However, I'm gonna rack my brains for some good stuff! I managed to go home and see my family a couple of weekends ago! It's my favourite! I saw my grandparents, cousins, parents and my lil teenage brother. I started using OpenLearn again to pick up short courses for free which is fun and interesting! I also got some great blogging opportunities which I loved being a part of, including being sent some lovely goodies from Simply Soaps which are a couple of my new faves! I also just ate the biggest and nicest piece of cake in the world from Manchester Museum. White chocolate and poppyseed cake, what a beauty!


When I was writing the PYT posts weekly, it was easier to keep track of the good stuff going on in my life and it pushed me to get out of bed and do more, so I could blog about it and share the experience. I think it's time to bring those posts back, are you ready?? x

Pull Yourself Together #14 coming Monday 14th May...

I was brainstorming for blog ideas this morning and it struck me that I haven't talked about my body confidence and how it has changed and shifted over the years. I also have some advice that I want to share on the subject and also a little bit to say about how getting my first tattoo has affected the way I see my body.


I don't think I really thought about my body shape until high school. In primary school, everyone just got along and I only have good memories from that time in my early life. However, it wasn't the same in high school, which I think is quite common. I was beginning to see, and hear, negatives about my body that I just hadn't considered before. I felt fat and I began to dislike my features. In PE, I felt useless. I was told that I just wasn't trying at sports and needed to get on with it when what I really needed was the encouragement to improve rather than being completely terrified to go to another PE class. Comments were made about my nose being 'massive' and 'huge'. I remember one instance when I was told that I would never find someone who would go out with me unless they were blind.




Towards the end of high school, I obsessed over body image and tried all the home workouts in the world. In time for prom, I had slimmed down quite a bit and felt slightly better about myself that summer. I even wore a bikini once, but I was still pretty terrified and didn't wear it for long! It was the beginning of my on/off relationship with working out and fitness bursts.


College was a bit better in terms of my body image. I was riding the wave of the body positivity movement and I started my first part-time job so I was able to buy all the clothes I wanted to wear and dress exactly how I wanted. Gone were the days of having to wear a school uniform five days a week and then normal clothes twice a week. I was wearing MY clothes five days a week and then a fast food uniform twice a week. Even when I was putting on weight from stress eating during my A-Levels, I still felt super cute. I started experimenting more with makeup and funky clothes and I even cut my hair super short! I felt individual and suddenly my weight didn't seem like my defining feature.