I thought I would chat for a while on here about polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) and the process I had to go through to get diagnosed. It is still something that irritates me and something I felt that needed to be shared. You should always have your concerns taken seriously since you are the best person to spot differences or irregularities in your body!

Symptoms I have experienced

Ever since I had my first period, I have had symptoms of PCOS which I either overlooked or believed were completely normal. Most of them can be completely normal, but the extent of them and the amount of them were an indication of PCOS and my hormone imbalances.

Heavy and irregular periods
Am I comfortable talking about this on here? Totally. I used to be so ashamed of my periods and experienced a lot of anxiety surrounding them. Even when they have been regular, my periods have always been pretty intense. The amount of blood leaving my body every month was alarming and I was having to literally go to the bathroom hourly to change my super tampon (something I wasn't yet comfortable with having to do in the school/college bathrooms). The cramps were also a force to be reckoned with. I would double over, clutch my abdomen, squirm around in my seat and pop painkillers like they were sweets. I figured they were normal since we were warned that everyone has cramps in sex ed, but what I didn't know was that everyone experiences these things very differently. My period irregularities come and go, which is irregular in itself, but there have been many times where I have been getting my periods every other week which I hope never happens again but know it probably will.

Hair, hair and more hair
Oh dear, this has also been a big thing that I've had to work on in terms of confidence and anxiety. I remember a time in primary school where I was told that my super hairy legs were gross and that I had a moustache growing on my face. I was horrified and immediately went to the bathroom to cry. A moustache? No way! My peach fuzz is pretty thick. My upper lip can get pretty hairy. I get thick hairs on my chin. My body hair can grow very thick. It took me a long while to dispel the myths about women shaving their face, but I do in fact shave my face now. It's not completely necessary and I don't feel like I need to shave it all the time, but it does boost my confidence and it makes my skin feel super soft which is a massive bonus. However, the hair on my head tends to act the opposite. It's constantly shedding and I definitely feel that it's so much thinner than it used to be. When I vacuum my carpet I'm shook by the amount of hair that's fallen out of my head and my hairbrush gets full of hair so quickly. It's a bit grim but not the end of the world.

Skin probs
Most people get oily skin and spots. My skin is very very oily and although I have become good at taking care of my skin and managing breakouts, it used to get me down a lot! I also used to get a lot of spots on my back and that meant that I felt very uncomfortable in any shirt that didn't cover my whole back and shoulders. The main thing that still bugs me is how oily my skin is but it's manageable now!

My mind
Depression, anxiety and mood swings have been something which I have been dealing with for years and years and years, and it wasn't until I started talking to my current GP that I realised that these are also associated with PCOS. I bounce from extremely down and depressed to incredibly energetic and upbeat without a moment's notice. Often the depressive episodes can stick and I'll be incredibly down for weeks. I'm working on it!

My weight
My baseline weight has always been pretty heavy. When I'm on the healthiest of kicks I will not lose weight at all and it can get frustrating and upsetting. It's taken me a while but I'm good with my body shape now, but it does still bum me out sometimes. So much of my body fat is on my lower belly and I call it my PCOS pouch, I'm beginning to think it's kinda cute.

Diagnosis attempt #1

When I was in high school, I went to my GP about my period problems. They were so painful that I was finding it hard to attend school and the amount of blood made me incredibly anxious. I was prescribed tranexamic acid and mefenamic acid for my periods and these did help massively, but I wanted to know why my periods were this grim. I did some research and asked my GP about PCOS. He got me to lay on the bench-y thing (you know, the bed thing in a GP office) and pressed around on my tummy before telling me he didn't feel any cysts so I didn't have PCOS. I kind of accepted this at the time but that was actually bullshit and you cannot feel anything to do with PCOS just from pressing on your tummy.

Diagnosis attempt #2

I was already regularly seeing my current GP due to my mental health when my periods started to come every other week. It was grim and I felt like they were getting worse and worse. I brought it up to my GP and I also mentioned the thoughts I had about PCOS in the past. He told me that my past GP was wrong about claiming how to diagnose PCOS and he got me booked in for an ultrasound and a blood test. I didn't know what to expect when going in for the ultrasound but it was pretty uncomfortable. I was told to go with a full bladder so I was bursting for the loo while the ultrasound thingy was being prodded onto my abdomen. My tummy also made some funky noises in the silent room and I wanted to get out asap. According to the blood test, my hormones are a bit muddled (including high testosterone) and the ultrasound confirmed that I have PCOS.

Well, the more you know...

I wasn't surprised to be told I have PCOS so it didn't affect me as much as it maybe could have. It made a lot of sense to me and it was quite comforting to know that my suspicions over the years were right and I wasn't just overthinking my symptoms. It's good to know that when a symptom is acting up I can say why it's happening and what's causing the trouble. I switched my birth control to a combined pill which help to regulate my periods and some of the hormonal stuff and I began to treat myself less harshly about my weight and mood swings. It's led to a lot of acceptance for me. A year on and I feel better and more accepting in myself than ever.

Polycystic Ovary Syndrome is a common condition which affects ovarian functioning. The main features are irregular periods, excess androgen and polycystic ovaries. Symptoms include irregular periods, lack of periods, fertility issues, excessive hair growth, thinning hair of the head, weight gain and oily skin/acne. If you feel that you are experiencing these symptoms, you can read more about them HERE. I have asked two different doctors about my symptoms and only one of them actually moved along to the process of diagnosis, so ask questions and make sure your symptoms are taken seriously. Diagnosis of PCOS is often quick and simple and involves an ultrasound in order to take a look at your ovaries. If you have any questions about PCOS at all, feel free to get in contact! 

Going to the GP

Why did I go on sertraline in the first place? To put it bluntly, I had a breakdown which had been a long time coming and at the lowest point, I really scared myself. I was at the worst point I had been at in as long as I can remember and I was scared that if I didn't talk to a GP then I would end up in an even worse state. My mood was incredibly low, I was anxious all the time and I was overthinking and second guessing everything. I experienced a lot of intrusive thoughts about the people around me and how they felt about me, which led me to push almost everyone away. My self esteem was in the garbage and I felt scared that things would never improve. I had a very teary phone conversation with my GP first thing next morning and he managed to have an appointment for me by the next hour, so I was able to go in on the same day and didn't have to wait. We talked through everything that I was feeling and how hopeless I felt, since I had tried different routes of counselling and was scared to take medication. However, I agreed that meds were at least worth a shot so I was prescribed 50mg of sertraline and told to get back in contact with my counsellor.

Starting sertraline

When the GP tells you that the first few weeks are the worst, they are totally right. I was no more depressed than before, but I was struggling a lot with anxiety. I would have random anxiety attacks in work and have to sit in the back room to recover for a while. I was also incredibly drowsy which led me into trouble when trying to concentrate on my work. The strangest side effect that I experienced, however, was a total lack of appetite for the first couple of weeks. I eat all day every day and for me to not be hungry is absolutely unheard of. However, when I started sertraline I would forget to eat a lot because I just didn't feel hungry! Acid reflux due to the combination of sertraline and my excessive coffee habits was also annoying but I discovered the beautiful curative powers of Gaviscon and it helped a lot!

It wasn't all bad though! My sleep improved dramatically! Because I was drowsy, I would sleep earlier and wake up earlier. I missed fewer classes because I wasn't sleeping through them, and I wouldn't be up all through the early hours like I used to be. Plus, this first couple of weeks allowed me to focus more on my body, how it was reacting to the medication, and what still needed work.

Settling in

After the initial side effects began to subside, I began to realise that my mood was much more regulated and I felt a lot calmer. I spiralled into overthinking and depression a lot less, and when I did spiral it was a lot less severe. Once this change occurred, I started working more on my personal development and I have been able to balance so many more extra-curricular activities, I started this blog, I did more peer support volunteering, and I even completed an amazing summer internship.

Now

There have been ups and downs. I have gone from 50mg to 100mg and finally to my current dose of 150mg. I have been on 150mg for a long while now and it seems to work best for me. I feel calmer, more confident and a lot happier than I was. There are definitely still hiccups (like right now) and I have had to work hard mentally for where i'm at right now, but the sertraline has helped me to facilitate that work. I wouldn't be where I am if I was just taking the sertraline without working hard on my mental health, it's better to use alongside counselling/therapy. Still not 100% okay, but I've made progress and that's great! Yes, I still miss some lectures because I can't get up in the morning on a bad day, but I have the motivation to catch up on what i've missed rather than just panicking and not doing anything! I also feel a lot more resilient when things go wrong in my social life, whereas I used to immediately shut down at any sign of social problems.

Disclaimer: this is just my experience, people react to sertraline differently and what works for me may work differently for you, I just know that some people wanted to hear my experience and I know that posts like these would have helped me when I started sertraline!

As a blogger, I dish out a lot of advice. I've always been the mum friend, telling those around me to take care of themselves and appearing to have lots of advice on every different subject under the sun. I was that girl who had been single for years and yet still somehow acted as the group's relationship coach. I'm great at giving out advice. It's something I work on a lot, always googling cures for friends' ailments and helping them to find out where to get what they need. Boy drama? Come over and we'll have a glass of wine and figure it out! Self-care? I could talk for days about the importance of self-care and think up a multitude of ways to practice self-care off the top of my head. I even have a self-care series on this blog!

Do I take my own advice?

Hell no! Should I take my own advice? Probably! It's time to dish out some truths and give some examples! THIS post is about treating yourself how you treat others. It's all about being kind to yourself and getting rid of your negative self-talk. It's a bit of food for thought for those of you who are a bit too hard on yourselves. Do I hope that others read it and get a bit of motivation to be kinder to themselves? Of course I do! However, I can be a very negative person when it comes to myself. I have an incredibly negative attitude towards myself and I am hard on myself sometimes. I also wrote THIS post on balancing work, uni and life. However, I really do not do well at keeping a good balance most of the time.

To basically sum it up, I am great at dishing out advice with the aim to help others. I'm just not very good at taking all this advice myself!

Am I A Hypocrite?

Is it hypocritical to run a blog and dish out as much advice as you can give without actually implementing it to better your own life? All the time, people talk about how the way we portray ourselves on social media is an idealised and edited version of ourselves. Blogging began to feel like that for me. I felt like I was talking about all the great stuff and sharing all the idealistic advice I could give, but still holding back slightly on other aspects of my life. I give advice without showing the full picture. I can tell you to sleep well and work to get a good night time routine, but I am currently writing this post in the early hours. Am I a hypocrite to tell people to try one thing, whilst actively doing the opposite of what I am saying you should do?


Who Am I To Be Giving This Advice?

I am a mess a lot of the time. My room is untidy often, I find it difficult to get motivated, I don't take care of myself as well as I should, I have some nasty habits, and I often think very lowly of myself. It worries me that I find it so easy to somehow have so much advice and yet I'm still not exactly functioning that well myself. As soon as a depressive episode hits I'm much more likely to spend my time in bed surrounded by food packaging that taking the steps that I need to shake myself out of it. I talk lots about self-care yet I don't exactly take care of myself all too well. I make great plans for myself, I just don't follow them all through. I start and stop and start new routines and lifestyle changes, but can never quite keep them up. I forget to take my meds. I oversleep a lot. However, I know the steps that I should be taking and I just hope that the people I give advice to are much better at taking it than I am.

What I Have Taken Away From Writing All This Down


Thanks for joining me on this ramble!x

I was brainstorming for blog ideas this morning and it struck me that I haven't talked about my body confidence and how it has changed and shifted over the years. I also have some advice that I want to share on the subject and also a little bit to say about how getting my first tattoo has affected the way I see my body.


I don't think I really thought about my body shape until high school. In primary school, everyone just got along and I only have good memories from that time in my early life. However, it wasn't the same in high school, which I think is quite common. I was beginning to see, and hear, negatives about my body that I just hadn't considered before. I felt fat and I began to dislike my features. In PE, I felt useless. I was told that I just wasn't trying at sports and needed to get on with it when what I really needed was the encouragement to improve rather than being completely terrified to go to another PE class. Comments were made about my nose being 'massive' and 'huge'. I remember one instance when I was told that I would never find someone who would go out with me unless they were blind.




Towards the end of high school, I obsessed over body image and tried all the home workouts in the world. In time for prom, I had slimmed down quite a bit and felt slightly better about myself that summer. I even wore a bikini once, but I was still pretty terrified and didn't wear it for long! It was the beginning of my on/off relationship with working out and fitness bursts.


College was a bit better in terms of my body image. I was riding the wave of the body positivity movement and I started my first part-time job so I was able to buy all the clothes I wanted to wear and dress exactly how I wanted. Gone were the days of having to wear a school uniform five days a week and then normal clothes twice a week. I was wearing MY clothes five days a week and then a fast food uniform twice a week. Even when I was putting on weight from stress eating during my A-Levels, I still felt super cute. I started experimenting more with makeup and funky clothes and I even cut my hair super short! I felt individual and suddenly my weight didn't seem like my defining feature.

I'm having one of those days.

This is me right now:

I have no idea if this post 'flowed' at all or if it's a worthwhile read, I just wanted to show that we all have those days and it's okay to show others. It's just a part of life and not something to completely sweep under the rug.

See you soon for some positive content and lots of tip and advice! x

I am a big fan of meditation and mindfulness. I used to attempt to meditate when stressed in high school and college but fell out of the habit fairly soon because I was of the mindset that if I was doing something other than studying, I was wasting my time. Nowadays, I know that this mindset is damaging and wrong and so I try to set aside a good amount of time for self-care. One of my favourite methods of self-care is mindfulness. I fell back in love with mindfulness when I was attending a low-mood therapy group, run by my university counselling service. My counsellor/therapist recommended me to the group when I first started attending counselling with her and I turned up, reluctant that group therapy would help me, but hopeful nevertheless. At the end of each of the group sessions, our group therapist would tell us all to get comfortable and close our eyes before she ran us through that session's mindfulness practice.

The feeling that comes from mindfulness is hard to explain and I imagine it is different for each of us. For me, mindfulness makes me feel rested and very calm. I feel carefree and almost as though I am suspended in the space around me, and that nothing else is happening in that moment other than the practice. This feeling mostly comes when I am attending a mindfulness class with the person leading the practice in the same room as me and surrounded by others practising mindfulness with me. However, I have found apps to also be incredibly useful to get in the practice at home!

The way in which mindfulness helps me in my recovery and control of my depression is how it treats thoughts and feelings. You have a negative thought or feeling, such as self-doubt, you acknowledge that it is there and that it is okay to think or feel like that in the moment, but you do not have to accept it. It is about noticing the thought or feeling without automatically accepting it. By practising mindfulness more, I hope to apply this ability to notice and acknowledge my negative self-beliefs without accepting them and taking them as truth.

My favourite mindfulness apps

Headspace
This is possibly the most well-known mindfulness app out there! It has some free features but it's really really good on the full subscription. My friend paid for a full year and gave me a code for a free month of the full package and I'm so gutted that it's about to run out because all the programs that I find really helpful are in the paid version and I can't afford it at the moment! I love the range of programs available on the paid version of the app and I love that you can set a reminder for the app to get you to meditate each day!

Calm
The free version of this app is wonderful. There is a good range of programs and the app is super easy to use. However, as with Headspace, you need to pay to get the full potential of the app. One feature of this app which is not found on Headspace is its music section, which features a collection of instrumental tracks lasting about an hour each. They are categorised with purposes such as 'sleep', 'focus' and 'relax' and there are a handful from each section which are available on the free version of the app. Another feature is its Sleep Stories feature, which is a section full of bedtime stories "to help you fall into a deep and natural sleep". I usually fall asleep to podcasts but this is a lovely idea with a similar approach! They are all narrated with soothing voices, especially the one narrated by Stephen Fry!

Oak
This app has a lovely layout! It has three main sections; 'meditate', 'breathe', and 'wisdom'. In the meditate section you can choose your discipline, instructor voice, and the duration of the meditation. This allows you to meditate flexibly, making your session as short or long as you have time for. The breathe section features three breathing exercises to calm, awaken, or heighten concentration. It features live instructions along with a visual representation of the breaths to keep you on track with the exercise. I have found this feature to be very useful! Finally, the wisdom section contains videos and audios with advice and lessons on meditation, excessive thinking, and the world around us. The most individual feature of the app, however, is the home screen. It features, at first, a sapling. The more you meditate, the more the plant grows until you have grown a tree.

Breathe
This app is a gem! The first thing you do when you enter this app is check in with yourself. The screen dims for 10 seconds while you close your eyes and think about how your mind and body feel. You let the app know how you feel physically, mentally and emotionally. They then recommend exercises for you based on your results. This includes meditation, breathing exercises, soundscapes, walks, and more. This is super easy to use and is currently my favourite app for mindfulness and self-care! I think it's super useful to check in with my emotions before diving into a mindfulness activity and it gives you a wide range of recommendations based on your check-in, so you have plenty of options!

To Be Continued

I am about to attend an 8-week intensive mindfulness course (combined with CBT) through my university counselling service. I will update you all with my progress through my weekly Pull Yourself Together posts and I will definitely do a follow-up to this post after I have completed the course and have an even more in-depth knowledge of mindfulness!

Let me know if you have any app recommendations or if you try out one of these! I hope that you are all well and that you enjoyed this post!

I didn't know when I would be ready to start writing about my mental health on my blog, but I figured that right now would be a good start as I am in a pretty good place at the moment.

I have depression (and some anxiety). I have felt this way for as long as I can remember but it was always mild enough to keep in the back of my head and pretend it wasn't there. However, halfway through my first year of university, it intensified so I attended my first counselling session. I attended a therapy group once a week for several weeks and then attended one-to-one counselling every few weeks until the end of the first year. Since the start of the second year, I have started to attend one-to-one counselling again, as well as therapy groups and the GP. I also made the massive leap of starting medication for my mental health. My dose has since doubled and I feel like i'm finally getting on top of my depression.

Frustration has been a massive factor in my pushing for recovery. It has been a very strong feeling throughout this semester just passed and I wanted to talk it through on here. I have felt a lot of frustration with myself and my mental health. Frustration that my depression has had an effect on my education and that it has stopped me from pursuing opportunities or even just getting out of bed to go to lectures on an almost daily basis. I get frustrated at how I feel very often. When I am in a low mood and it seems impossible to get out of it can be extremely frustrating, especially when I am around others or doing something that I usually derive a lot of joy from.

I feel like the most frustrating thing about depression is the fact that it's 'all in your head'. It's hard to explain but the fact that it's so hard to control when it's a mental health issue feels so frustrating and infuriating. It seeps into your mood, makes you feel like you're not yourself. When I was at my worst I was so irritable and I tried to cut myself off from those closest to me to stop them from thinking I am not a nice person to be around. This obviously has social consequences and made me endlessly guilty. When it has impacted my work and studies I have felt frustrated at myself, often believing I was 'lazy', 'useless' and even 'worthless'.

While this situation is frustrating at the best of times, I have found that openness has helped me massively. I told my friends why I was taking a step back from them and how I would come back once I was in a better place, rather than cutting them off and not telling them why because I was ashamed. I told my parents that I am struggling and what I am doing to help myself with it. I attend counselling and my GP regularly and talking it through with them helps massively. My academic advisor from last year has also been a massive help and is one of the most understanding and lovely people ever!

My mental health is still very much a work in progress. I have some good days and some awful days. The best piece of advice I have been given is that recovery is not a straightforward journey. It has ups and downs. It could be going really well and then a setback pushes you back to the start. I am starting to accept this and to accept that I may feel bad again, but I can push through it as long as I keep trying.

If you are affected by the issues highlighted in this post, please feel free to get in contact with Samaritans. They have a UK hotline (116 123) which is run 24/7. They also have an email address if you have a problem with calling them or find this difficult.

Thank you for reading!

Self-care is super important! That is why I will be making quite a few posts on the subject. I am still learning how to take proper care of myself, physically and mentally, but I have grown a lot in the past year and I would like to share what I have learned!

Setting up a safe space is vital to your wellbeing. It is somewhere you can go to get away from the stressful world and take some time to yourself. For me, this space is my room. I share a house with five other people so it's the only place I truly have to myself! However, your space doesn't have to be your room! It could be a kitchen, a certain spot in the library, a certain park, etc. For the sake of this post, I will be focussing on setting up a space within your own home, as this is where you can most likely control your surroundings!

Firstly, it is important to surround yourself with your interests. I do this with posters, by displaying my books and records, by pinning up sentimental objects, and by owning many plants! In terms of posters, I have a couple large posters (a Prince poster and an X Files poster) and a couple smaller film posters (The Shining and Star Wars). I understand that a lot of people prefer to keep their walls clearer and that is totally up to you! Whatever you feel comfortable with will work best for you! That's the trick to building your own space, you know what works best for you personally and can experiment freely.

I like to fill my safe space with music. It sets a mood for me and I tend to feel uncomfortable in silence. Most of the time, i'll pop a record on my turntable. However, I also listen to a lot of music on YouTube and Spotify! There are really good lo-fi playlists on YouTube and I love playing music that blurs into the background and doesn't distract my thoughts.

For me, my space has to smell nice. I cannot stand a room that smells bad or stale. I have reed diffusers dotted around my room. Just the cheap lavender ones from Primark. Walking into my room and being hit with its signature scent is so comforting to me. It reminds me that i'm stepping into a space which is mine alone.

Airing out your room is important! Super important! As soon as it's mild outside, open your window a crack and let some fresh air into your room. Your lungs will thank you! Either that or open the door to your room for a while. Let it circulate!

Soft furnishings and textiles are a massive bonus! Blankets, pillows and fresh sheets are a few of my favourite things! They make me feel relaxed and keep me warm in winter. Comfort is key in a safe space! It doesn't have to be anything too fancy though, my blankets are the cheapest ones from Primark and they do the job nicely!

Lighting, I find, is super important and can affect my moods and headspace dramatically! I prefer lamplight over my main room light so I keep my lamp beside my bed. When I want to relax, that's the only light I have on. When I am socialising or focussing, all my lights are on. I keep my blinds open 24/7 because I have a skylight window so nobody can look in but all the sunlight can stream in when I wake up. This means that I wake up immediately with the sunlight and don't stay in bed in the mornings as much as I used to! The sunlight is also super great when i'm studying and focussing, and also for blog pictures!

As I have mentioned, this space doesn't necessarily have to be in your home. This is a list of spaces where I feel the calmest and most comfortable:

• The quiet study floor of my local museum
• The psychology building cafe
• The woodland walk behind my parents' house
• On a quiet morning bus with my headphones on
• My favourite bench in the local art gallery
• Waterstones, or any bookshop anywhere
• The corner seat in my favourite cafe

Let me know what makes your space comfortable and stress-free! I would love to hear from you!