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I miss my weekly diary posts! It felt good to write everything down and put it out there. Like throwing my personal life out there and getting it off my chest and out of my mind! I may start up the Pull Yourself Together posts again soon but for now, I just want to talk about everything significant that's going on at the moment. Full disclosure. Holding nothing back!
Right now in this moment
My chest feels a bit heavy. I'm trying to pick myself up from a down day. I am a fully hormonal and emotional wreck at the moment and I've nearly cried more times than I can count today! I have been suppressing a lot of negative feelings for a while now and I feel like they are spilling over. My counsellor isn't free for a session until the end of the month and I am sick and tired of going to the GP so often lately, even though my GP is lovely and a total angel! I don't know if I want to speak about everything with friends either. We all have so much going on and I don't want to add to their heaps of troubles! The thing is, in the past few months I have become a sharer. I used to bottle everything up but in the past few months, I have done the opposite. I have almost become reliant on sharing everything with others and now that I don't feel like I should do that, it's becoming really hard to keep stable.
University
My grades dropped this semester. No matter how hard I have tried to write excellent assignments, it just hasn't been quite good enough. It's almost making me give up. When I got low, I didn't go to my lectures either, which has caused me to fall completely behind with university when exams are looming overhead. I'm not sure if I can pull everything together in time. I'm trying to go back to the way I was in first year, when I was getting great marks in my assignments and studying with intense motivation, but I am just so tired. It's stressing me out so much that I am smoking again. Not great!
Health
Aside from my mental health, my physical health has also been up and down. I started having fortnightly periods. One week on, one week off, one week on, etc. Yeah, that's not ideal. They were also escalating in severity to the point where they are now as bad as they were in high school, before my prescription period medication and being on the pill. After a few weeks of tests to see what has been up with me lately, I finally got diagnosed with PCOS. I have known that I have this for a few years but in my hometown, my GP never took me seriously when I asked about it. However, my GP here has been so helpful and when I mentioned it and talked through my symptoms, he booked me straight in for an ultrasound. Goodness, PCOS gives me so many answers for things I have been experiencing for years. So many things which have been dismissed when I have tried to talk about them! I have also been super ill for the past week with a sinus infection. Not the greatest of times!
Good things
I realise now that a lot of what I have just written is all doom and gloom. There have been some good things! However, as you may know, memories are emotional things and we tend to remember events better if they evoke very strong emotions. That's why we remember all the bad stuff easier. It's just the way we're wired. However, I'm gonna rack my brains for some good stuff! I managed to go home and see my family a couple of weekends ago! It's my favourite! I saw my grandparents, cousins, parents and my lil teenage brother. I started using OpenLearn again to pick up short courses for free which is fun and interesting! I also got some great blogging opportunities which I loved being a part of, including being sent some lovely goodies from Simply Soaps which are a couple of my new faves! I also just ate the biggest and nicest piece of cake in the world from Manchester Museum. White chocolate and poppyseed cake, what a beauty!
When I was writing the PYT posts weekly, it was easier to keep track of the good stuff going on in my life and it pushed me to get out of bed and do more, so I could blog about it and share the experience. I think it's time to bring those posts back, are you ready?? x
Pull Yourself Together #14 coming Monday 14th May...
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