Depression & Frustration // Mental Health

I didn't know when I would be ready to start writing about my mental health on my blog, but I figured that right now would be a good start as I am in a pretty good place at the moment.

I have depression (and some anxiety). I have felt this way for as long as I can remember but it was always mild enough to keep in the back of my head and pretend it wasn't there. However, halfway through my first year of university, it intensified so I attended my first counselling session. I attended a therapy group once a week for several weeks and then attended one-to-one counselling every few weeks until the end of the first year. Since the start of the second year, I have started to attend one-to-one counselling again, as well as therapy groups and the GP. I also made the massive leap of starting medication for my mental health. My dose has since doubled and I feel like i'm finally getting on top of my depression.

Frustration has been a massive factor in my pushing for recovery. It has been a very strong feeling throughout this semester just passed and I wanted to talk it through on here. I have felt a lot of frustration with myself and my mental health. Frustration that my depression has had an effect on my education and that it has stopped me from pursuing opportunities or even just getting out of bed to go to lectures on an almost daily basis. I get frustrated at how I feel very often. When I am in a low mood and it seems impossible to get out of it can be extremely frustrating, especially when I am around others or doing something that I usually derive a lot of joy from.

I feel like the most frustrating thing about depression is the fact that it's 'all in your head'. It's hard to explain but the fact that it's so hard to control when it's a mental health issue feels so frustrating and infuriating. It seeps into your mood, makes you feel like you're not yourself. When I was at my worst I was so irritable and I tried to cut myself off from those closest to me to stop them from thinking I am not a nice person to be around. This obviously has social consequences and made me endlessly guilty. When it has impacted my work and studies I have felt frustrated at myself, often believing I was 'lazy', 'useless' and even 'worthless'.

While this situation is frustrating at the best of times, I have found that openness has helped me massively. I told my friends why I was taking a step back from them and how I would come back once I was in a better place, rather than cutting them off and not telling them why because I was ashamed. I told my parents that I am struggling and what I am doing to help myself with it. I attend counselling and my GP regularly and talking it through with them helps massively. My academic advisor from last year has also been a massive help and is one of the most understanding and lovely people ever!

My mental health is still very much a work in progress. I have some good days and some awful days. The best piece of advice I have been given is that recovery is not a straightforward journey. It has ups and downs. It could be going really well and then a setback pushes you back to the start. I am starting to accept this and to accept that I may feel bad again, but I can push through it as long as I keep trying.

If you are affected by the issues highlighted in this post, please feel free to get in contact with Samaritans. They have a UK hotline (116 123) which is run 24/7. They also have an email address if you have a problem with calling them or find this difficult.

Thank you for reading!

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