Yes, I Gained Weight. No, I'm Not Mad About It // Let's Talk

I had a health kick at the beginning of the summer. I dropped a dress size and felt fab about it. However, as I usually am with these things, I couldn't keep it up and felt myself slipping back into my old ways. I didn't attend the end of my cycle of fitness classes and I stopped the daily workouts. I burned myself out and had lost myself in this strict regime of workouts and dieting. It was all I thought about and I was obsessed with the idea that I could drop a few more pounds, drop another dress size, finally feel attractive to potential partners out there in the world of dating. I wasn't doing it for me, I was doing it because I didn't feel worthy as myself and I felt I had to change in order for people to respect me. Not just romantic partners, but family, friends and anyone who passed by me.

Once I let part of the health kick slip, it all slowly unravelled and I returned back to my old ways, albeit with a new love for blueberries (I cannot get enough). Thanks to my lovely body, the weight came back very quickly and I returned to the body shape I have been for years. However, I wasn't upset this time. I haven't been looking at myself in the mirror ashamed as I usually do. I just feel very neutral about the whole thing. If anything, gaining the weight back hasn't really affected how I perceive my body image, which is something so baffling to me, as someone who has struggled with their body image for years.

What has changed? I've been asking myself this for the last few weeks. Maybe it's the fact that I have started to transition into my autumnal wardrobe and wear all my favourite clothes again. Maybe it's the fact that I have surrounded myself with people who do nothing but lift me up and make me feel secure and happy. Maybe it's the fact that I have more important things to worry about now, as opposed to having time to fixate on my shape and size. Maybe it's that caring so much about something I find very difficult to change is exhausting and I want to focus my attention on things that matter more to me.

In the last few months, I have found out that I have PCOS. It has shown me why I have such a struggle losing weight and this has lessened my guilt about my own body. It's not just my fault. Why should I fight against my body time and time again when the second I stop, everything returns back to the way it was and I ultimately end up sad and upset about my own body. I am not seriously overweight. I don't own a car so I walk absolutely everywhere (I walk so much). I eat fairly well and I have a job which keeps me walking and on my feet. Yes, I could be healthier and I could kick some habits which are really not that great. However, my body is not my enemy and I would much rather feel at home in my own skin than fight against it.

There will always be days that I wish my body wouldn't look like this. There will be days when I would rather tear my body down than feel at home within it. However, I am working towards feeling better in my own skin and I feel this is more important than constantly critiquing it.

September is PCOS awareness month. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome is a common condition which affects ovarian functioning. The main features are irregular periods, excess androgen and polycystic ovaries. Symptoms include irregular periods, lack of periods, fertility issues, excessive hair growth, thinning hair of the head, weight gain and oily skin/acne. If you feel that you are experiencing these symptoms, you can read more about them HERE. I have asked two different doctors about my symptoms and only one of them actually moved along to the process of diagnosis, so ask questions and make sure your symptoms are taken seriously. Diagnosis of PCOS is often quick and simple and involves an ultrasound in order to take a look at your ovaries. If you have any questions about PCOS at all, feel free to get in contact! 

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